Sunday, August 18, 2013


What is normal?   A few years ago, our state suffered a big ice storm and we lost power in the middle of cooking dinner.  The kettle was on for hot water for iced tea and the dishwasher was going.  For three nights, we all three slept together in the king bed, in all the clothes we could wear on our body and still move, plus the 65 pound dog who had a fur coat.  Faithful Boy Scout kept our main room warm and cooked gourmet dinners on our real log fireplace.  On the fourth day, our car was able to creep down the hill, around the corner, and up another hill to the home of our friends with power. 
A day later, we returned home after the official “power” call and opened the back door, stepping into standing water.  The once full kettle was now welded to the stove and wet particleboard mounded up underneath the vinyl flooring.  The den carpet was soggy.  Repairs were finally in progress six months later when we had a big batch of overnight company.  The fridge was moved into the den and the kitchen flooring was in progress.  I didn't cook.  This was our first experience with renovations.

Now we are into three months and weeks of voluntary renovations.  We are crossing our fingers.  The painters have arrived.  I have always been "the painter" but not this time.  I go to sleep at night imagining the rooms painted in their new colors, the towels hanging on rods not door handles and a bathroom where I don't have to ask the painter to step outside.  We have one shower, one toilet, three lavatories, and not one completely functioning bathroom.  This discomfort is in exchange for 2 1/2 brand new totally renovated baths.  As I like to say, we are closer to the finish than we have ever been.
Only the closest of family and friends have been allowed inside.  The house is topsy-turvy, way beyond the 100 year disaster plan.  Besides the squalor, most people are fascinated by the amount of dust.  I could write a novel on any tabletop.  But when there is de-construction and sanding particles wafting through the ducts, dusting is hopeless.  At first I had sheets over everything.  But we do live here.

More than one person has suggested I get some help in righting this trophy of renovation.  I am in the market for a neat freak who is not afraid of a little dust.  Ha.  If you can answer yes to any of these questions, do not bother to answer my ad.  However, if you can have company without three weeks notice....


Do you lose keys, never to find them?  Have you ever put dirty dishes in the washing machine to hide them?  Do you step over Rover's hair fluffs, over and over?  Is the vacuum cleaner an object de art, standing in the middle of the den for weeks on end?   Is there mold in the coffee carafe?  Do you have a drawer full of unused files and index tabs?  Do you have three different water glasses on the bathroom countertop?  Do you have a sticky maraschino cherry glued to the inside fridge door?  Do you have unidentified stuff in the little indention under the sliding veggie/fruit drawer?  Do you have nose prints on all the windows, at dog level, made by the previous dog?  Do you have bottled water that has gone bad?  Do you have charcoal forming in your oven?  Do your towels have hems?  Do you have 78 cans of spray starch on top of the washing machine and one lid?  Do you have trash from yesterday still on the kitchen stoop in the garage?  Do you have an eternal ham in the freezer?  Do you have five shoes under the kitchen table?  Do you have dust on your Chinese marbles?  Do you have three shoeboxes in the chair?  Do you have sour cream going bad before the expiration date?  Did you make lunch with stale bread and iridescent turkey?  Do you have stitching floss hanging off your suit coat?  Do any of your clocks have the same time?  Do you have the contents of your purse in a plastic bag?  Do you have dried flowers that were once fresh?  Do you know where the phone is before it rings?    Do you have mismatched candles?  Do you have the old faucet, wrapped in a towel, on the dining room table?  Do you have two liquor store boxes full of bathroom shelf junk stacked up for an end table in the den?  Does dog hair coordinate nicely with your upholstery?  Does your husband leave you notes in the dust on top of the piano?      


a lady looking for a white glove

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